Today we are shedding light on the pain of miscarriage for the Out of the Dark, Into the Light series. If you’ve never miscarried, this will give you insight into the darkness of that pain; if you have, Kelly wraps her arms around you and says you are not alone in your pain. Please welcome my friend, Kelly, from Exceptionalistic, to the blog for today’s guest post.
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It hurt like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
Like a dagger through my heart. The possibility that my sweet baby was gone was enormously unbearable.
Yet it was true.
But we’d heard the heartbeat. I’d felt the changes in my body telling me that I was indeed pregnant! It was real.
It was so real!
I remember feeling a twinge of guilt about grieving because so many people had been through this much further along than 14 weeks.
Some have had to have a D&C. Several have miscarried in a later term and had to birth their baby. Many have delivered stillborn babies. Others have delivered seemingly healthy babies only to have them pass shortly after. Even more are still trying to have their first child.
Boy, oh boy, the guilt. The guilt of feeling like what I went through wasn’t worthy of grieving. It’s not like I’d ever seen my child either in person or even in an ultrasound.
But the heartbeat…
That tiny, beautiful, strong heartbeat was enough to tell me that I had indeed lost something. That something was so very precious to me that I’d give almost anything to have her back.
That heartbeat is what gave me permission to grieve.
It is still difficult to explain the feelings. Trying to explain the grief I feel for a child I’ve never met is like trying to explain what heaven looks like. I’ve never been there but I know it exists.
I have nothing other than the pregnancy tests (all of them), hospital bills, and memories proving to me that my child did indeed exist.
Infertility after already having a child to me was devastating. I’d already known what it was like to go through a pregnancy. I had felt the kicking, experienced the heartburn, earned the stretch marks, and kissed that beautiful, wide-eyed, precious new face.
I know what I lost. I know it was real. I fell in love with those sweethearts as soon as the two lines appeared on the stick.
The love of a parent is undying and unwavering no matter the circumstances.
If you are grieving the loss of a child, please know that it’s perfectly fine to do so. Don’t minimize what you have gone through the way I did.
Comparing your miscarriage experience to that of another is exactly like comparing apples and oranges. There may be a few similarities but yours will be unique to you and your situation.
**If you need some extra support or someone to listen feel free to contact me at Kelly(at)exceptionalistic(dot)com.
A little, okay a lot about me. My name is Kelly, I’m a Christian, wife, mom, daughter, sister, aunt, employee, friend, blogger, wanna-be professional photographer & teacher by trade. Reading that all written down seems like way, way too many hats to wear but I love them all!
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