I am not sure where to begin or what to say. It’s like that when you break a silence sometimes. Most of the time we are too busy running hectic listening to so many noises that we don’t hear silence at all. But I have been silent for a good part of my summer. Have you noticed? I am quiet by nature, such that sometimes when I speak, people talk over me, and my voice is small and quiet too, so sometimes they don’t hear me. Sometimes I want to use my voice forcefully in those moments, but I rarely ever do.
The summer was: Thoughtful. Reflective. Quiet. Not busy or fast paced, but slow. And simple.
I’ve read a lot of books that are outside of my norm. I read some godly books, and I read some not so godly books. I will spare you the titles, because I couldn’t with good conscience recommend them nor do I want to cause anyone to stumble. I was not pleasantly surprised with the world today or its top rated books, though I was taken with the Harry Potter series, of which I do at some point plan to review. Reading the not so godly worldly books was however good for me, because sometimes we Christians need jostling back to reality; we do indeed need to understand something of the world. In the world but not of the world I suppose. They lacked the satisfaction of the truth He gives though.
Throughout my summer, I rarely checked facebook. I was more intentional to see people. I blogged like once. I was content to stay in my pajamas and watch movies and do little or go out for a fun activity with the kids. I was able to focus on my kids. When my kids were younger I was the helicopter, hover mother. I did everything with my kids. They are still young at 7, 6, and 3, but now I give them space and freedom within my home to play with one another and to a small degree make their own fun, and that’s when I would read or whatnot. If they needed me, I got up and tried not to say, “in a minute” or “when I finish writing this post” or “after I finish reading this article” in a snippy tone of voice, as I sometimes have in the past. I set out to be a simple wife and mom, and I think I mostly achieved that. It felt good to give up my stuff and find life. I did not want for them to see me on the computer all the time as they so often have.
In the same realm, I began to purge. I am still going to do more purging, but I began to seriously say, “out with the old” without saying “in with the new.” I removed busyness from my life, social media from my list of things to do to keep from being bored or depressed, and excess stuff. I added to the list healthy eating and exercise, and now of course, I will soon add school back in, though I plan to remain simple mom. I am not even sure I am going to volunteer to be anything more. I feel a peace with being “just a mom,” which was not there earlier this year. Sad I know.
In the quiet, I am peaceful with myself, who I am, who He’s created me to be, and in my efforts as a mom and wife.
In the loud, in the noisy, in the thinking, I am not happy with who I am or in my efforts as a mom and wife. I always feel like there is some mark I didn’t achieve. I don’t do this for others – just me.
We are not fully detoxed from the noisy life: my kids still love the computer, playing on a tablet, or the wii, all within certain limits of course. As I become a more simple me, I recognize that Satan uses this noisy busy world – this noisy crazy busy I have to run until I drop busy to keep us from God’s still small voice. He’s calling me to childlike faith – the noise tells me it’s too late, but the simple says I already have it and it’s mine for the keeping. Just gotta keep listening, for He is telling me: “This is the path, walk in it,” and I no longer want to talk over His most important voice.