Yesterday, I was vulnerable with you. And I was vulnerable in a few other ways. I’m not yet in a place where I think vulnerability is always worth the exposure, not if I am honest. Not like the people in the research that Brene Brown did, which means I’m not totally in a healed state. When I am brutally bare, my first reaction is to be extremely sensitive and teary-eyed and to want to snatch some covers some where and cover up everything I showed you. And if I’m not careful, I will continue to feel naked and exposed for days after I’ve been vulnerable. This in a raw emotional sort of way.
I rarely feel this way with God. I know that He’s created me, has seen me in my inmost parts, and knit me together in my mother’s womb. I know that however God comes to me in my vulnerability, He is completely 100% safe. He never takes advantage of me. This trusting of God was not always this way. There were times when I wasn’t sure, but we’ve been together for a while, and we really are like old lovers walking hand in hand.
When I take a risk in being vulnerable and make love so to speak with a friend or you as my blog reader, I have to be intentional to accept God’s covering and not continue to feel laid bare. Vulnerability is not intended to be an all the time thing. I at least this is true after the fall of man. Perhaps vulnerability was given freely everyday with Adam and Eve and God and that’s how fellowship was ultimately broken. It is a special gift, in the same way that sex between a husband and wife is meant to be a gift. And it is intended to be mutual. It is intimate knowledge, and what makes vulnerability hard is that we fear being known as we really are. Me being a people pleaser I want you to like me. I don’t want to feel abandoned or used. But vulnerability fosters intimacy.
So today, I was intentional about communing with God. And I wanted to share with you how that fostered my feeling covered instead of exposed. Tomorrow I’ll get back to Noah, and we’ll talk about masks.
My family and I went to Moss Rock Preserve for a hike. It was fabulously beautiful. And I took pictures and remembered how being outside makes me feel closer to God. Earlier this week, I sat next to a teacher friend who picked apart my personality type. I don’t think she knew me well enough to know she was doing this (I hope not), but she talked about my type getting nit-picky in the details of things. I internally smiled and didn’t say a word to her about it so as not to embarrass her but I am a details girl. It’s part of how He designed me, and if I wasn’t one, I would have missed these lovely details on our hike.
As I found these little details, He reminded me that He’s numbered the hairs on my head. He’s a God of details too. He’s my creator who loves me, has covered me, and still loves me. He knows me fully and loves every dirty detail of me. And you too. Amazing! I went from fearful and worried from having been vulnerable to covered, accepted, and worshipful at the end of the hike. Only you know how you best commune with God. When you are vulnerable with someone, while you are still learning how to find joy in that like I am, make the time to do that thing that brings you near to Him where He makes you whole again.
See you tomorrow for masks. Might just be another late afternoon post.