An outcast good girl. I always thought that if you were enough, you would not be outcast, abandoned, orphaned.
As a girl, I ran my fingers along the chain link fence on the playground and wondered when… When would I fit in? I watched the others laughing and playing and there I was, me all alone. Not pretty enough, or active enough, or plain ole interesting enough.
In middle school, I joined in sometimes because I wanted to and sometimes because I was made to. I did not like it when the boys started noticing me. It felt awkward and strange and I didn’t want to try something new, like kissing or bowling, and so I was just on the edge of in. Not daring enough.
In high school, I moved to a new school, and there was never a chance of a band nerd like me finding a place in the popular crowd. Not cool enough. Not there long enough.
In college, I thrived because well, we are all new and awkward and “finding ourselves,” but I was more awkward than most. There were lots of ways that I was brave, but there were lots of ways that I was not brave enough.
At work, I was too young, naive, and quiet. I was deemed not loud enough. Not aggressive enough.
Lately, I find myself caught in a familiar rut. I’ve learned lessons, checked my motives, and still I’m caught in a place I don’t want to be. I can’t even necessarily fault it all to me. I don’t know why I’m in the familiar place. All I know is that it is the same tired cycle rearing its ugly head, and telling me that “you don’t have _____fill-in-the-blank_______ because you are not enough.” It calls me to feel lonely and afraid and begs me to manipulate myself so that I am enough. I want the cycle to end. I don’t want to be outcast by not being enough anymore. My “not enough” is met by His sufficient and “more than enough” grace and freedom begins.
My thoughts are not held captive by my circumstance.
“We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Co. 10:5
True, I am not enough. Like me, you are not enough. But God is enough. His grace is enough for me.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Co. 12:9
This grace, it steadies me, like the men who held Moses arms up, only by His grace.
“So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword.” Ex. 17:10-13
It tells me that even though broken and frail, for Him, I am enough. Even though, He takes me in as His own.
“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.” Psalm 91:4
His love is enough for me. It captivates me. I am invited to His table.
“Let him lead me to the banquet hall, and let his banner over me be love.” Song of Solomon 2:4
Though I felt outlast, alone, and orphaned, I am called His daughter, and I am no longer outcast and alone. I am His.
“So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith” Gal 3:26
“The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Ro 8:15
How wonderful that as His child, I no longer have to be a slave to the cycle of “not enough,” of feeling lonely and afraid, trying to manipulate my way into hearts. Maybe I don’t have whatever I wanted to fill-in-the-blank with from the sentence above, but I do have something better. I am already in His. And that is enough.
How do you struggle with not enough?
Do you live like an orphan alone and afraid, or do you remind yourself that you are His?
Lord, I pray for each precious lady that You would set her free from cycles of sin, of doubt, of circumstances unchanged, of thoughts and feelings of not enough. I pray each one would cling to your sweet grace and accept that You are enough for every circumstance and fleeting thought or feeling. Help her to embrace Your adoption of her and that you have called her enough for you. In Jesus name, Amen.