I sit with my youngest and we look at photo books. I become sad because my babies are now bigger and no longer babies, and I cannot remember much of what I see in the albums, even though it was only 4 or 5 years ago. No longer is my mind as sharp as my 6 year old’s. I can no longer recall any detail about any thing that has ever happened or that I’ve ever heard or seen or experienced. That ability left me as soon as I got pregnant with the first one – this mommy brain they call it is here to stay, and it is only a sign that I am much older than I feel, a turn from youth to maturity, and a sign that I have much more responsibility than I ever understood was possible, and too much to store in the noggin. I feel a little sad because I truly begin to know and embrace that the only thing I can really hold onto is now. Not the gift of yesterday or the hope for tomorrow, but the now of each moment. And I stink at staying in the now.
I have a notion that many of my problems stem from the fact that I cannot stay here focused on this moment. I have longed for days of yesteryear, and how I wish they were formed differently, shaping me into a completely different type of clay pot – of course, a fancier, prettier, version of the pot I am now.
So too, my mind reels images at least a million times a day of when I will become that thing I’m hoping to become – a famous writer, an international speaker, a well-known blogger, or more seriously: a missionary, a steadfast and true friend, a bible teacher, an engaged mom, and loving wife.
Too often I allow my mind to endlessly drown out the now. And because my mind floats around in the to-do lists or wonders whether I have any emails or blog comments or whathaveyou, I stop becoming who I want to be. I miss the words out of my children’s mouth; I stop engaging with them. I flit around and squander the only gift I have.
I am a spoon, and goshdarnit, sometimes, I need to act more like a spoon, and stop dreaming about the work He will do, and not miss the work He is doing in me in this moment, this treasured gift of now. I need to engage the people standing right in front of me. Perhaps, you need that too. Because that is the only gift I really have, the gift of now.
“Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise,making the most of every opportunity.” Ephesians 5:15-16
Father, I confess that sometimes I wander away too far just simply in the recesses of my mind. I want to come back to this moment You’ve given me and be fully engaged in what You’ve given me now. Help me to have eyes that see and ears that hear. Continue to change me and mold me and make me into Your prized possession. Help my mind to slow down and rest and be still. You are good and Holy and I want my life to focus on You today. Help the women reading this blog to also slow down and focus on the good gifts You’ve given each one of them today as well. Because of the power of Jesus, I pray. Amen.